Brazilian Speedos – An Intervention

As soon as I crossed the Brazilian border, clothes seem to have disappeared. I mean, literally.I mean, Brazilians (women AND men) wear as little as possible, no matter their shape or sizes. I have watched with admiration how the tiniest layers of cloth can cover even the most enormous breasts. I have seen the world’s shortest-tightest-most-revealing-most-cleavage-showing dresses. Though maybe not always tasteful, you just have to admire how Brazilians breathe, walk, dance, run, travel in their minimal outfits – without EVER showing ANYTHING that’s not supposed to show! With one exception: the Brazilian men’s love for speedos. For everybody who is not familiar with these small swim shorts for men, here the definition of the Urban Dictionary: “Really tight pants made out of spandex/rubber which the professional swimmers wear.” Please pay attention to the last part – professional swimmers. Nobody, I mean no man who is not a professional swimmer should ever even entertain the thought of thinking about looking at them in a store!!! (Daniel Craig alias James Bond being maaaybe the ONLY exception)
Men, listen to me: Women do not, I repeat DO NOT, want to see anything that shows through those trunks. It is not sexy. It is not hot. It is not trendy. It is not manly. Until now I thought that men worldwide had understood this simple and clear fashion rule. Until I came to Brazil. It seems to be an essential part of Brazilian manhood to wear speedos. Girls, I am sorry, if you now imagine a hot Brazilian in tight swim trunks, say goodbye to that fantasy. I will be honest here, this is what you will see: Old men, wrinkly men, fat men, bear-belly-men, white-like-a-sheet-men and men that VISIBLY got distracted by too many beach beauties. So I feel the need to call out for more good taste. “Brazilian men, friends of Brazilian men, wives of Brazilian men, children of Brazilian men, tourists that want to be like Brazilian men, please please please follow the following instructions: Go to your (your Brazilian friend’s, your Brazilian husband’s, your Brazilian father’s, your Brazilian wannabe’s) closet, take those speedos, and throw them out. NOW!” Thank you!

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